20 - Afraid of Your Wife? The Man You Don't Want To Be
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Major Pane Podcast Show Notes
This is the second attempt I am making on this episode. The first attempt was a video with two cameras and awesome supplementary videos I made, but there was an issue.
The topic was so spicy that I had a couple of static sounds here and there that I couldn't cut out.
So here we are with only audio; I need to keep releasing episodes weekly. From now on, some episodes will be audio. You can check out my website for the show notes.
If this is your first time on this podcast, I want to welcome you and encourage you to check out the other episodes. I have been getting emails and feedback about the content.
Please feel free to reach out to me if you have any questions, thoughts or if you want to dive deeper into some topics.
Disclaimer
A disclaimer before we proceed with this episode.
I know this title might look confrontational; the goal isn't to make men override their wives but rather to debunk why many men are afraid of their wives and how they can fill in the leadership role.
I don't know if you have seen the Nigerian Netflix series, Blood sisters?
I am not a Nigerian movie fan, but this one got my wife and me.
Even though some people criticize the movie, I mean, the production, the soundtracks, the scripting, and the casting are the finest thus far.
That's unarguable.
Today's topic got inspired by the character Femi Ademola, the oldest child of the Ademola family who is envious of his younger brother Kola Ademola.
It was surprising to realize that Kola not only abuses women but paints them in their affliction. I mean literally.
This isn't a movie review, but I want to share some themes that struck alot of nerves and cords, especially regarding masculinity.
Themes from the movie
1. Listen to people when they share
The movie amplifies the dangers of covering up traumas and the importance of giving a listening ear to someone, especially if they are going through abuse.
Assuming Sarah's mum had listened to her daughter's pain, I believe unfortunate events wouldn't unfold.
2. The sins of the mother
Kola was a filthy rich spoilt brat; he was the male version of his mother. Despite how rich she is, her heart is dark. If you turn on the light in her heart, you wouldn't see anything due to the darkness there.
No emotions, no feelings, only inflicting pain onto others.
Some men live by this mantra every day "I'd hurt you before you hurt me."
As a lady, if you come across a man who is after getting even, hurting you, inflicting pain on you either emotionally, psychologically or economically, RUN.
3. Mind the family you marry from
I encourage every person listening or watching this episode to be very mindful of the family they marry from.
Marriage isn't all about your partner but about the family they come from.
While growing up, I saw alot of people take this for granted, only to be regretful after seeing how much influence family has. If you marry from a good family, trust me, you'd be thankful.
I bless God for my inlaws; I love them more than words.
Narrowing it down to our primary focus, the Femi Ademola character, the man with no balls. Sorry, excuse my language.
This character represents what many men are experiencing behind the curtain of society, wherein their wives are in total control of their lives.
They fear her because of what she can do or what they don't know she might do.
Okay, I don't know if you have followed the Johnny Deep and Amber Heard court case.
I remember many people cancelling Johny when she accused him, and now the truth is all coming out with video evidence; the same folks are just quiet.
Today, our society is rapidly throwing stones, forgetting that we all live in a glass house.
You might want to be careful how you throw your stones and where you throw your stones. Not throwing any at all.
Bringing it back to the character Femi, we can see that men who are afraid of their wives are often the type that;
1. They don't want to argue:
These men confuse peace for letting essential things slide. They lack the initiative to look at matters from critical angles constructively.
These men think avoiding will address the matter unknown they are slowly giving away their authority.
I am not advocating for men to be argumentative or raise their voices as nagging doesn't solve anything; it is unmanly.
The difference between keeping quiet and saying something is your intention and the words said.
If you stick to the end of this video, you'd learn what to do to gain your power back.
2. Men like Femi easily get manipulated and rewarded with sex:
If they offend their partner or wife, they feel she might hinder them from sex, but if they do what she likes, she will reward them with sex.
Can you hear that? The tables are shaking. Not mine.
We saw many scenes Femi couldn't decide for himself; instead, his wife called the shots, and to get that reward, he obeyed like a teenager.
Any man who lets his wife reward him with sex, especially when she says, "you've been a good boy, I will give you sex tonight," know you are done for.
Sex isn't something you should work for as a married man and vice versa. It is a mutual desire you two should crave, something you should look forward to.
The moment it becomes a commodity wherein it's a give and take, someone has the higher power.
If she rewards you with sex, she can decide to starve you if you don't do something right.
My brother, do everything you can not to be friend-zoned in your marriage or relationship.
I can see a bother nodding his head along this line because many men wonder, "How did I get to this point where I am afraid of my wife?"
Why are some men afraid of their wives?
Let's take a look. Why are some men afraid of their wives?
There are many reasons. Some people are quick to say, "The man lacks confidence" I am careful to jump on that.
Some reasons might revolve around social, religious, physical, emotional and psychological reasons.
Some reasons could stem from their previous relationships, a health problem, or he might have been conditioned to fear women. I won't be surprised.
You need to know that women don't control weak men; weak men give women the power to control them.
1. Not understanding the difference between Fear and Respect.
Fear of the unknown is often one main reason. Some men will say, I dont know what she will do, what she will say, how she will treat me.
They come up with fancy excuses to be afraid of their wives. Some come up with jokes and say, "you know women."
Nah, I don't know. I know any man afraid of his wife lacks enlightenment.
There is a thin line between fear and respect.
If you respect someone, you can fear hurting them.
If you are afraid of someone, you can't be yourself around them.
Love and fear doesnt mix, as one of my IG followers said last month when I asked this question. He said, "love and respect go hand in hand."
Putting fear before respect creates an imbalance equation for yourself.
What are the things you are doing that are making you afraid?
Could it be that you aren't good at making the right decisions, thats why she scolds you or calls you out?
Are there bad habits that are preventing you from feeling empowered?
Are you considering her degrees as intellectual muscles that is intimidating you?
Whatever the reasons are, brother, you can respect her, but you shouldn't be afraid of her.
The moment you sense an atom of fear, you'd need to access yourself first. Or open up to her in a kind and gentle manner and communicate how you feel about these things.
2. These men didn't get to see the proper modelling of masculinity
Some people grew up seeing their mothers maltreat their fathers or noticed their fathers downplayed themselves as weak men to keep the home together.
Growing up in that environment makes a man ill-equipped; it fuels his ignorance.
He has no idea of the beauty of being a leader.
Men are born to lead, and for you to become a successful man, you have to go through life obtaining the leadership gems.
Some are easy to acquire, while others are tough.
What are the characteristics of men who are afraid of their wives?
There is something ironic about masculinity.
Some men might look strong from the outside, but they have a vacuum that needs to be filled inside.
Samson, from the outside, was a strong man, but deep inside, he had a weak mind. He prides his lust over Delilah more than the gift God has given him.
As we know Solomon to be the wisest man that ever lived, Solomon made the most foolish choices. He married multiple wives, especially those that God warned him not to.
Solomon amplified the foolishness of man. He echoed how important man needs God every day for the rest of his life.
We can flashback and pick up credible lessons from these men to enhance our lives. Not using them as an excuse for living an irresponsible life.
Some characteristics of these men are;
They have no firm values or beliefs.
They have a weak moral compass or directions.
They fail to identify and establish the leadership traits within them.
They may be wealthy, a manager, or a supervisor, but still, they are an absolute failure to their purpose.
They don't generate any spark when it comes to creating a legacy for their generation.
They might influence those outside their homes, but they don't proactively influence those within their homes.
Some of them lack the intentionality and mindset to make decisions. Instead, they would delegate essential decision-making to another person, preferably their wives or partners.
The list goes on and on.
I learned about all this while growing up and watching different men lose control of their homes because they are afraid of their wives.
My mother would sit me down and counsel me about the importance of a man being in charge.
She did well schooling me about the core things I need to know to stay in charge.
If you haven't seen the blog article "How single mothers can raise responsible men," please check it out on my blog.
Using the Bible as our road map and our compass to navigate, has it mentioned anything about men being strong, unafraid of their wives and leading their household?
Let's have a look at;
Ephesians 5:23
for the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church. He is the saviour of his body, the church.
1 Corinthians 11:3
But there is one thing I want you to know: The head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.
I know some toxic men have used this scripture to aid their evil deeds, but that's not what we are up to here on this podcast.
We are here to look at the truth to draw strength and clarity.
You have been instructed to be the head as a man, so why are you afraid?
Do you believe you are capable of doing the job?
Have you invested in yourself long enough that you feel excited to show up as the leader you are?
or are you just ignorant but hungry to learn how to be unafraid of your wife?
What can you do to be unafraid of your wife?
1. You need to brace yourself:
Know that you will make mistakes, and you have to be okay with making mistakes.
Embracing your human nature is a significant first step to take. You can't develop wisdom overnight.
You'd need to accept some fundamental truth about yourself and the situation you find yourself.
Realize that you have no power over how your wife or partner would react, but you have control over your very own action, reaction, and conclusion.
Focus on being a better leader by asking yourself, "what better way can I handle this situation."
2. Learn how to communicate
What turn most men off during argument is that they lack communication skills.
Women are armed to the teeth with these skills right from birth.
Communication, no doubt, is a learned skill, but men term to struggle with this. Could it be that men don't usually speak about their emotions, making it hard to communicate about sensitive issues?
It will be best if, as a man, you learn how to communicate, firstly by speaking about his feelings, then learning how to listen actively.
Active listening equips you with the proper response.
Don't be afraid to communicate; embrace it; it is the vehicle to long-lasting confidence.
Speak with intention, brother.
3. Examine yourself:
Earlier on, I asked you some questions to understand the root issue of your fear.
Are you expecting her to always agree with you?
Are there ways you have been nurturing your fear without you knowing?
Do you look up to her all the time to make decisions?
Take out pen and paper to examine yourself, whatever the case may be. You'd need to understand the root issues.
I need you to write everything wrong with you right now on the left side of the paper. Be very blunt—self-truth echos heroism.
Now, write everything great that you want to be. What is your ideal definition of a man? Write it.
Who do you want to be?
When you find out the root cause of your fear, you need to retrace your steps.
The goal is to chart a course towards the man you need to be.
How to retrace your step
1. Create some space:
Try giving yourself some time to reflect and reset. She could be concerned and ask "if everything is okay with you."
If she is a reasonable woman, she will ask you.
When she asks, reply, "yes, I am okay; I just need some time to think some things through"
If she presses further, tell her you appreciate her concern, but you are going through an evolving process to be the man you need to be.
2. Binge on stoicism
Many men are lazy to unlock their maximum potential; they are hungry for the result but are lazy or unaware of the process.
Becoming an unraveled man is a process that comes with intentionality.
You get excited when you realize that you are a fraction of who you can become right now.
Stoicism is an excellent aspect of philosophy that opens your mind to a supernova realm you'd never get from playing video games and hanging out with your buds.
Last year I purchased a book written by Ryan Holiday, "The Daily Stoic" you'd need the journal and the book to get the best of it.
You'd get to write your reflections morning and evening alongside your studies.
It will turn your world around.
3. Get talking to someone smart
Discuss your experience with someone going through something similar or someone who has gone through a similar path like yours.
Doing this will iron out some of your newly found knowledge. There will be a couple of validations here and there which will help you understand how to implement the new lessons into your life.
This is where I come in. I am here for you.
Should you require someone to discuss with, share ideas or hold you accountable, I am here for you.
Wrap up
Unravelling your uniqueness framework requires you to realize that you can internally change an external situation.
Out of the abundance of your heart, out of the virtues of your soul, you can create dynamic changes in your life and your relationship if you choose.
If you are a lady here, please share this with the brothers around you, your partner, or you can use this new knowledge to help a struggling man.
I look forward to reading your comments, seeing your chats, and reading your questions.