A Man’s Guide To Understanding International Women
She taught me how to smile with my eyes. Can’t stop loving my wife. Crushing on her again… okay, let me focus. Phew!!!
When I was in Nigeria, as an African man, if a girl smiled at me, I would take that as an invitation to a conversation; when she looked straight into my eyes, that was more than an invitation.
I don't think I am weird to feel this way because, as Nigerians, we aren't taught how to look at people in the eyes unless we have that awestruck butterflies for that person.
Being eye shy isn't a bad thing; it's just a matter of what your culture says about it. While some culture finds it offensive, some culture finds it appropriate.
After I migrated to Canada, I thought the African culture was identical, especially when scripted movies make you believe that boy meets a girl when their eye meet. And you hear some social banter like "white girls like black guys."
Pushing myself further, I witnessed more than uncountable embarrassing moments until I learned that the causal Canadian smile isn't an invitation but rather a civil act.
As a man, if you find yourself in a new environment within your country, i.e. with a different culture, or you find yourself with international women, the last thing you want to do is copy and paste your existing knowledge of socialization.
While existing knowledge might come in very helpful, it could also hinder you from connecting to the core of the international female friend or partner.
It's best to slow down, observe and learn the new ways things get done. Take it that you are a social psychologist performing research.
1. Research about her culture or her country:
How do the women like to be approached? What is the key to starting a conversation? What is their definition of family? Are they passionate about getting married? What is the female/male expectation of roles?
When I met my wife, our conversation was the smoothest and easiest because I had Filipino friends in the past. I knew Filipino's and Nigerians shared similar life experiences that I could bank on, among other knowledge that helped stir our conversation to a pleasurable outcome.
Go on YouTube, watch organic videos about the life of the ladies. You’d be stunned to see some amazing insight that will help you spark engaging conversations.
2. Ask the right questions:
Save yourself from embarrassment by jumping to conclusions. Ask her questions if you get a chance to speak.
At first, when I got to Canada and met some ladies, I thought my phone was cursed until I figured out everyone is busy and loves their space to be respected. I didn’t know they aren’t into texting, calling as much as I am.
Questions: Whose fault is it to give someone five missed calls?
Answer: the ignorant person?
Different cultures have different ways they want to be contacted, spoken to, addressed, reached etc. You have to learn the basics by asking the right questions. Here are some samples;
How do you like to be reached, email, phone, text? I had female friends who openly told me they are bad at texting or aren't always with their phones. So true.
Is a phone call too early, or do you prefer just texting? This will help you adjust and walk at the right pace.
What is your relationship with your family i.e. father, siblings? Ask to be sure if she is a family-oriented person.
So how do boys and girls meet, hang out, socialize, fall in love? Well, outside online dating, which I kindly talked about in this article "How I met my wife,"
I will be glad to share more about prepping yourself for interracial dating, managing it, leading it to marriage and maintaining it.
3. Ask reasonable men questions about the women:
Well, you don't need to meet a dating coach to give you answers because some answers might not be organic.
You want to hear from the men who have lived experiences, either success or not. Your goal is to gather as much data as possible. Remember, you are a social psychologist in the making.
4. Give space for the right things to happen
I learned over time that women loved to be chased; some international communities enjoy chasing men rather than being chased. They wouldn't come out in the open to say this, but subconsciously, their actions speak louder.
There are so many reasons why dating in North America is very complicated. I did an IG live on this topic;
Check it out here;
Wrap up
Not all smiles mean I'm interested or open to talking. I have learnt to smile casually and walk away without expectations.
You need that to survive in this wild world, brothers.
I want to hear from you, what are some embarrassing experiences you’ve had with women? Let’s get talking.
