One Specific Mistake Men Should Avoid
Which would you rather; have a million dollars and no one to spend with or have family and close friends without a million dollars?
Someone reading this might ask, “Why can’t I have both?”. I bet only a few percent of people have both. These folks didn’t achieve it overnight; they spent years building and achieving that reality. Hopefully, they can maintain it.
Another person would say they would rather have a million dollars and be alone than have family and close friends.
If I were to take a poll about how many grew up in the absence of their father, I believe fathers’ absence would echo.
Now I have my family and married friends, I notice a repeated pattern among men. I see a terrible mistake that has been made for many years.
Venessa Lau, a big social media influencer, published precisely what I share with my wife behind the scenes. I don’t have an audience like her, and I may not get close to such, but I’m happy to onboard this mindset earlier.
…and yet, at the height of accomplishing these things,
I found myself losing total control of my life and mental well-being. I found myself squeezing my life and relationships around the demands of my business.
Instead building a business around the life that I ultimately want to live.
The above statement stood out to me. I am happy she figured this out early and was able to chart her path.
How many would have this conversation with themselves and humbly retrace their steps?
Here is something you aren’t told,
Any man who is too busy and absent from his family doesn’t understand the importance of his presence.
You can’t be too busy for the things you care about. If your family matter to you, you’d be creative in making your presence known and felt.
I noticed that most people I know who grew up with their father’s presence have a positive outlook on life. (This is another conversation for another day)
One mistake men should avoid.
Being absent from your family (heart):
Distractions are in different shades and sizes. One common excuse men make is that they have to work hard for their families. Given that this is expected, they forget that being present with their wives and kids is part of the equation.
Being physically present and emotionally absent equates to you not being present.
You might be unavailable today, but what happens when you need their attention or presence tomorrow? They would likely replicate what you have modelled for them.
If you aren’t present in your family’s life, you are giving room for someone else to do so for them. Many folks are now aware of the dangers of outsourcing parenting to nannies, society or strangers. Still many are ignorantly repeating the same mistake.
A survey of 2,000 parents conducted by Huggies Little Simmers in 2012 found that 63% wished they had done more activities with their child. Seven out of ten felt they had taken their youngster’s childhood for granted. More than two-thirds said it was easy to forget they would not be young forever. More than half said they regretted not having more quality time with their children when they were younger. (Parents Can’t Get Time Back - Scott A. Weiss)
You can argue that your wife is a stay-at-home mum or she chose to stay back to raise the kids, but brother, if you aren’t aware of this mistake, it could cost you your future.
You can argue that you are still young and don’t need to know this information.
Do you aspire to have your family someday?
Did you birth yourself? No? Then this matter to you.
The more aware you are about this mistake, the more likely you will not make it. Now is the time for your to chart your path, plan, strategies and decide what your career would be like,
Newcomer men with Families
Recently, I visited a newcomer family. I usually hold the man in high esteem. I felt he was a Christian with a great value system, meaning he would pass these values to his children. His wife happens to be so busy that she is barely around. He works from home, so he spends more time with the kids.
Surprisingly, these kids are among the most disrespectful folks I have seen. The eldest isn’t 10 yet, but her behaviour is questioning.
I see them disrespect their parents, question their authority and act aggressively toward themselves. Despite the man being home, it doesn’t mean he is physically present in his kids’ lives.
I also visited another newcomer family, and it was the exact opposite. The kids had structure; they were respectful, disciplined, and determined to seek their parent’s happiness.
This reminds me of an episode I shared about men being “The Watchmen of their homes.“
What’s the Way Forward
How would you feel seeing your child repeat this terrible mistake to your grandchildren?
As you put your money where your mouth is, I suggest you put your attention where your heart is.
If your heart is in your home, ensure you check in with your home even though its a short call or a text.
If your happiness is in your wife’s welfare, her progress and growth, as you are planning your next conference, you involve her in your itinerary so she can be aware. You can ensure she has the resources to meet her deadlines or project target.
If you desire to build a healthy home, you will live by the standard you want to follow. E.g Everyone should be home at 10:00 pm, that includes you. No phones on the dining table; that also starts with you modelling it.
If your purpose is to ensure your kids succeed, you’d be intentional in knowing what they did in school and who their friends are; you might go as far as volunteering in their school. You’d assist them in their assignments, walk with them, kiss them, and love them.
Please talk with your family; tell them stories, failures, and successes. Let them see the beauty of life from a resilient lens.
Being a man is beyond providing. You are their everything.
Wrap up
Onboarding this mindset can be very difficult. It is hard for someone reading this to accept this ideology, but those who desire to make it possible will realize you can build your capacity to attain this.
This is a conversation men, especially newcomer men, need to have with their wives. If you have children, bring them into the conversation. You might need to schedule a check-in time to discuss this as a family.
If you are single reading this, have a conversation with yourself.
I am not advocating for laziness. We confuse busyness equal productivity, and when you are physically present with family and friends equals unproductivity.
You can desire to be productive at work, in business and at the same time with your family and friends. It is what you do with the time that matters.
Which would you prefer? To have a million dollars and have no one to spend with or have family and close friends without having a million dollars?
I believe you already know my answer.
